I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
