Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize