Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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