Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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