I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
