i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
