mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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