Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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