Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize