Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
