After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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