Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
