yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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