If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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