He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
