maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
