her vagina looked like bernie madoff
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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