Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
