They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
