On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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