Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
