mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
zippers are such a cool invention
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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