Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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