Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
