I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
