there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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