you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
two words...techno handjob
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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