Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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