He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
