how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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