So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
