I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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