I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
