Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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