Plan B is the new Plan A
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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