so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the day after is always just damage control
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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