his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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