I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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