i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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