I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
