This girl is more easily done than said...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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