I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
