i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Less talking, more tequila
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
