He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
