Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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