Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
