i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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