She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
