I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
