for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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