she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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