tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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