she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
