$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
false alarm, still single
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